"Asylum" development living up to namesake

November 30, 2002

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

A cheap early logo of the game. LANGLEY, BC, CANADA - The effects of working on Political Asylum, the low budget web-based game being developed by Allen Pike, will soon send him to an asylum. Based on a gritty view of politics and fueled by group competitive spirit, previews of the game will be available soon after the new year. With university exams, working 30 hours a week, and upkeeping one of the 300,000 most popular sites in the world, Allen’s sanity is being questioned.

“While few people could stay sane with his work load, for no good reason, he’s got it in his head to make a game as well,” one analyst reported. Another defended Allen with, “It’s not like he sleeps or anything. No really, he doesn’t.” A third witness would only say that he wanted a Game Cube for Christmas.

Political Asylum, on which there is more information in its section of the site, pits players against each other in the stuggle to utterly dominate a country. Just like real politics, a totally honest approach will rarely do well. “The point of the game is to wipe all opposition off the face of the planet by gaining power and outlawing their existence,” stated a witness who had seen a preview, but asked not to be named.

Fortunately for Allen, its developer, his schedule cannot, in fact, exist. A researcher recently added 30 hours a week of work, 30 of school, 40 hours of sleep, 15 hours of Altering Time, and a number of other time expenses, and ended up with a ratio of 1.2 hours spent for every hour that passes. Other researches are critical of these findings, but if true, there could be yet more untapped non-time that could help Asylum reach it’s targets of private testing starting before Christmas and more public testing early in the new year.

The fact that free online games tend to draw absurd amounts of traffic and get people in trouble with their web hosts doesn’t trouble Allen, however. He presented his theory on hacking the Pentagon and using the comprimised computers to host the game. He then proceeded to shout gibberish, fall on the sidewalk, and spray whipped cream at oncoming cars. Analysts responded with a rating of “Weak Buy.”

The author of this story isn’t crazy. No, really. Seriously. Really really. I’m not, man! Come on, you’ve gotta believe me! I’m dying here! Augheuauhghahh!

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.