Get $10k for naming a baby

August 29, 2002

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

GLEN COVE, NY, USA - Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Acclaim Entertainment is making this offer to one special couple. The first couple to name their baby “Turok” on Sunday, September 1st, will get $10 000 in savings bonds. They must register on the website at http://www.turok.com/baby/ beforehand, and their baby’s first name must remain “Turok” for at least one year. While this seems like a large sum of money, it’s all in the name of pumping up publicity (such as this article) for the upcoming game “Turok: Evolution.”

A PR rep from Acclaim, Alan Lewis, said such promotions are part of what it takes to stand out in a crowded market. For example, when the GameCube was gearing up for release, Nintendo had a “What would you do for a GameCube?” contest involving eating pet food, and they celebrated the release of “Mario Sunshine” with fans diving into a tonne of pasta for prizes. Altering Time is planning a promotion of even greater scale, in which they block off random freeways and set up an exhibition. “There will be one of those huge tents, like in carnivals,” said a spokesperson for AT. “The Official Altering Time Publicity Stunt Exhibition will have demonstrations of such things as the health dangers of Q Codec 7, really nicely treated cows and chickens, Sean hating people, and a real-life demonstration of the Flash Stick Fight. To top it all off, anyone who legally names their baby ‘http://www.alteringtime.com/’ will get $50.” An analyst with ZWS Industries pointed out that a $50 prize open to everyone is more valuable than a $10 000 prize open to one person. “There’s 6 000 000 000 people in the world, times $50,” said the analyst. “I don’t know how much more than $10 000 that is, but it hurts to think about it.”

Ways to scam Acclaim’s promotion are already in the works. By definition 2B in the Merriam Webster dictionary, a baby is “something that is one’s special responsibility, achievement, or interest.” This of course means that Altering Time is a baby. Considering definition 1B of birth, “the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb,” we think our case is quite undisputable. What our case is, however, is a different story completely. A local lawyer backs us up, however, making such affirmative statements as, “You guys are out of your freaking minds,” and, “This is a waste of my time.” While the second statement is in a grey area, we’re sure the first statement is great news. The lawyer, oddly, didn’t want us to quote his name.

The author of this article regrets to inform you that the Official Altering Time Publicity Stunt Exhibition’s tour locations are top secret. You can any notifications of baby naming. Babies who held another name previous to ‘http://www.alteringtime.com’ are not eligible. See inside of package for full contest details. All rights reserved. All wrongs relinquished.

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.