Website will suck less, experts expect

June 25, 2002

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

Apple's XServe gives enough hard drive space to store 100,000 illegal copies of Devo's 'Whip It'. VANCOUVER, CANADA - The website alteringtime.com was moved to servers at Superb Internet yesterday, following complaints of outages and general site suckiness. The last straw was when the site was down for a weekend and got taken out of the search engines for it. The straw after that was 19 hours (13 for the Forum) of transferring the site off the old host (while this can also be blamed on dial up internet). This is planned to be the last move of the site until it’s put onto one of Apple’s new XServe servers. “Apple’s new server can have up to 480 GB of hard drive space, which is about one half of a terabyte, or TB,” pointed out one systems analyst. “Seeing as how Altering Time takes up about 0.000009 of a terabyte, this would be a worthless expenditure.” Allen reportedly responded with, “Screw you, I want my XServe.”

While the fact $50 a month for Superb premium web hosting is really quite expensive, one analyst noted, “Toilet paper is expensive too. You don’t see people using leaves any more do you?” Another analyst mentioned he did actually use leaves, and saved enough money to afford better web hosting, and the first analyst flew into a jealous rage and reportedly kicked the second analyst in the junk, and lightsabers were drawn. While dealing with the mess, Allen vowed to only talk to less geeky analysts. He then proceeded to watch ‘The Empire Strikes Back.’ The new hosting provides a large array of features, such as 0.000200 terabytes of webspace, sites that don’t go down every weekend, and a number of other things that matter considerably less and will probably never be used but seemed cool at the time.

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.