Altering Time Newsroom uninspired

June 1, 2002

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

ALDERGROVE, CANADA - For almost a month, nothing has come out of the Altering Time Newsroom.

“The generally weekly news releases just stopped coming,” noted one

concerned reader. “What if they’ve died?” Analysts have also noted that

general site upkeeping has been low. A local senator pointed out that,

“Although the Forums have taken all of us away from what we’re supposed

to be doing, what they’re doing is actually important!” He went on to

say that monkeys are funny and his tongue was digesting in his mouth.

For some people, this is a blessing. Spokesmen from most massive tech corporations,

such as Real, Microsoft, and AOL, agreed. They were never big fans of

being rebelled against, and expect that less news from Altering Time

will spur traffic to real.com, msn.com, and netscape.com, respectively.

Shockingly however, hits at Bill Gates’ website, http://www.microsoft.com/billgates/,

stayed as low as ever. Hacking attempts, however, stayed high. Also

shockingly, attempts to use Real’s website have dropped since Altering

Time’s article on them.

Analysts have cited many possible reasons for the slowdown. A common theory is

the fact not as many dumb things have been happening recently, and Altering

Time news tends to be on dumb things. Many people disagree though. “There’ll

always be dumbness,” said one researcher. “As a matter of fact, as the

world gets bigger, more dumb things are happening at a given time.”

The researcher mentioned the average number of dumb things that occur

in a day, but it was too big to remember.

The real truth, however, is pretty straightforward. Allen, the newswriter, was

abducted by parsnips, stuffed in a bag, lit on fire, and thrown into

the Amazon river. He went on to become the President of Brazil, and

decreed that every new baby be given a chocolate eclair. Similarly,

he renamed Brazil to “There Is No Chance To Survive Make Your Time.”

A revolt ensued and the name was changed back, but world maps printed

from 11 AM to 1 PM that day are selling for $20 000 on eBay. After getting

rich, he lost it all betting on Continental Drift Racing (Australia

won). Concequently, he moved back to Canada and resumed work on Altering

Time. If anybody has one of those rare maps, please contact us.

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.