(Back to about Altering Time.)
One of the first features on Altering Time was a quotes database. Anybody could submit a quote, and vote whether other quotes sucked or rocked. My favourite thing about the quotes was that they were limited to 100 characters. This was years before Twitter, but the same pattern emerged: people complained about it, but it had a wonderful effect. Below are the top 50 quotes of all time from that system.
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In tennis, you’ll never be as good as a wall. I played one once. They’re fuckin relentless.
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I’ll name my kids Control, Alt, and Delete. Any trouble and I hit them all twice. Problem solved.
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This cake is soooo good. It’s like sex, except I’m having it.
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“Never interrupt an enemy when he is making a mistake.” - Napoleon Bonaparte
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I dream of the day when a chicken may cross the road without his motives being questioned
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The object of war is not to die for your country, its to make the other bastard die for his.
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips
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The trouble with political jokes is that they often get elected
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Windows has detected you moved your mouse. Would you like to restart so the changes can take place?
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Life: A sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
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Here in Canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless… it’s called “Winter”.
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Imagine someone of ‘average’ intelligence. Now consider that half the world is dumber. Damn eh?
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The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
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“I was playing Russian roulette.” “Did you win?” “You’re not familiar with the game, are you?”
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The “bishop” came to our church today. he was an impostor. never once moved diagonally.
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At the park I was wondering, why do frisbees look bigger as they get closer? Then it hit me.
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Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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People who say nothing is impossible are stupid. Try slamming a revolving door sometime.
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Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning.
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“Windows isn’t supposed to make sense, it’s supposed to make money.” – Paul Lutus
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This quote sucks rocks.
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“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”
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See, if I get her doing geeky things like D&D, she’ll want to do other geeky things, like me.
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I think we should round up all extremists and kill them.
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All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
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I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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“When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.” – William Wrigley Jr.
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All right, which one of you stole my paranoia medication?
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You can’t do anything about your life’s length, but you can do something about its depth.
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Be kind to others, they outnumber you six billion to one.
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You can’t spell manslaughter without laughter.
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‘Microsoft Works’ is an oxymoron.
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“The day you die is just like any other, only shorter.”
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It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
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I’m giving up Catholicism for lent.
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Nature loves variety. Society hates it.
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“I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
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#1 pickup line of all time: “Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
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God bless Atheism!
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I used to be bad at math, but I pulled a full 360.
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Some people treat their bodies like a temple. I prefer to treat it like an amusement park.
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“Those who dance are thought to be insane by those who cannot hear the music.” - Nietzsche
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“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there” - Will Rogers
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War is God’s way of teaching us geography.
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
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I’d give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
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“We live in a world where lemonade is artificial and soap has real lemon.”