The Sims more addictive than cocaine, experts suggest

April 16, 2002

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

REDWOOD CITY, USA - Electronic Arts’ game The Sims now features yet another expansion pack, “Vacation.” Translated into 13 languages and now offering 5 versions (plain, House Party, Hot Date, Living Large, and now Vacation), and at a total sales figure of 13 million units, experts are getting worried about the effects of this phenomenon. Reports of people obsessing over a game are common, but devoting one’s entire life to it is questionable. “What do you mean it’s a game?” said one addict. Another player commented, “What other game increases your Fun and Comfort meters while giving +Creativity and +Logic?” The man proceeded to eat something, and carefully place the plate he ate from on the floor.

We met with a researcher of the craze. “It’s addictive.” He started to elaborate, but one of his Sims’ Bladder meters got low. He told us it’d be better if we talked to his wife. When we informed him had left him two expansion packs ago, he cried, “I should have remembered relationships decay at two points a day!” and then went back to playing. Later he created a Sim of the man she left him for, made him swim in the pool, and removed the ladder used to climb out.

While this addiction causes normal, happy people to abandon things they usually do, this effect could also affect the warped, demonic practitioners of email spamming. “Our previous attempts to addict spammers to cocaine didn’t work because it just wasn’t addictive enough,” admitted one scientist. “With the advent of The Sims, our problems will be solved.” The scientist also admitted that cost was also a problem with cocaine. “At only $130 US for the game and all the expansions, it’s a steal.” When told this was still an outrageous price, he said, “So? A WhirlWizard Hot Tub is 6500 and I have one of those!” He proceeded to compliment us repeatedly.

Some people blame the general decline of society in general on this game. “Until recently I never got women calling me over repeatedly, complimenting and hugging me with the intent of getting me to leave my wife,” said one non-player. “I don’t understand what kind of game would encourage this kind of behaviour.”

While the writer of this article plays The Sims, he insists that repeatedly playing until dawn does not indicate an addiction.

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.